Anxiety, The Worst of Me

 Living with a mental illness and various panic disorders is, to me, kind of like walking around with a heavy and noisy speaker on your shoulder. Blaring your personal, and often embarrassing, playlists for the world to hear, on shuffle, with you desperately trying but unable to find the mute button. You receive a bunch of unwanted attention from eye-rolling strangers, the song and tempo is often wildly inappropriate for the situation, and people don’t understand why you can’t just silence the damn thing.

Mary Jane and Me (Part Two)

  After my first dabble with weed and the delicious peacefulness it allowed my troubled adolescent mind, I was completely intrigued by the drug. Despite my parents open use of it, I kept my experimentations quiet and tried my best to keep it hidden from them.

Mary Jane and Me

 

My relationship with weed has lasted longer than any of my partners, and for that matter, most of of my friends. Our shared history is a fractious one, and to this day remains based on a love/hate dynamic. It is the one thing that is always there for me, yet it is the one thing that I allow to control me and hold me back. It’s  kind of like I’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship with my bong for the past 15 years.

Insomnia Everlasting

Here in the middle of this ageless night,
In this tepid room devoid of light.
My mind craves the release of a dream, respite.
But no release comes and I toss left and right.
The deep chill of loneliness carries a bite,
Darkness of thoughts alone cause for fright. 
Try to summon reveries that bring great delight,
Beg for positive energy with all my might.
Await dawn’s rise, the most beautiful sight 
To release me from this ageless night. 

©totallyborderline

Oh To Be

To have pieces still shiny, unbroken
for laughter to reign endlessly
to leave no desire unspoken,
Oh to be young and free. 

To bask in the glow of the moonlight, 
To kiss the salty mouth of the sea.
To fill lungs with air, unburdened
Oh to be young and free. 

To believe in joy and kindness,
And seek it fervently,
To love with a heart wide open,
Oh to be young and free. 

©totallyborderline

The Life Underwhelming

“So, what have you been up to?” I fucking hate that question, and all variations of it, such as “what’s been happening?” or the cringe-worthy, “what’s the goss?”

I hate this question, because what am I supposed to answer? I’ve been working. Sleeping. Existing. Avoiding human contact as much as possible while sitting in my room watching dumb cartoons getting fucking stoned alone. Is that what you wanted to hear?