How to be an Emotional Wreck and Suck at Everything

 I’ve been blundering my way through this ‘life’ thing for nearly thirty years now, and I still haven’t quite figured out how to be good at it. I have, however, acquired a particular set of skills; namely, in fucking up and being a total failure. So for those of you out there who have successfully transitioned into adulthood,  are perhaps bored with your smooth sailing, easy-breezy lifestyle over in Made It-ville, here’s some tips on how to foray over  to the wrong side of the tracks and take up residence in FuckUp Town, all in just 10 easy steps! So put down your kale and chia juice or whatever it is that real grown-ups do these days, and prepare to be un-enlightened. You’re welcome.   Continue reading “How to be an Emotional Wreck and Suck at Everything”

Mary Jane and Me

 

My relationship with weed has lasted longer than any of my partners, and for that matter, most of of my friends. Our shared history is a fractious one, and to this day remains based on a love/hate dynamic. It is the one thing that is always there for me, yet it is the one thing that I allow to control me and hold me back. It’s  kind of like I’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship with my bong for the past 15 years. Continue reading “Mary Jane and Me”

A Guide to Dating a Drunken Dickhead: Part 1

  So I had this boyfriend once. The relationship lasted six years in total, which was about four years longer than it should have. In the early days, when I was young and ridiculous and didn’t care about money and responsibility and other grown-up burdens, it was wonderful. They were the days of sunshine and endless intoxication.  Continue reading “A Guide to Dating a Drunken Dickhead: Part 1”

The Life Underwhelming 

“So, what have you been up to?” I fucking hate that question, and all variations of it, such as “what’s been happening?” or the cringe-worthy, “what’s the goss?”

I hate this question, because what am I supposed to answer? I’ve been working. Sleeping. Existing. Avoiding human contact as much as possible while sitting in my room watching dumb cartoons getting fucking stoned alone. Is that what you wanted to hear? Continue reading “The Life Underwhelming “