“So, what have you been up to?” I fucking hate that question, and all variations of it, such as “what’s been happening?” or the cringe-worthy, “what’s the goss?”
I hate this question, because what am I supposed to answer? I’ve been working. Sleeping. Existing. Avoiding human contact as much as possible while sitting in my room watching dumb cartoons getting fucking stoned alone. Is that what you wanted to hear? Of course not, nobody wants to hear that depressing shit. Nobody really wants to know that most days I just struggle to stay awake and coherent. They won’t care that this is not from partying or staying up late, but my perpetual lethargy is actually the result of the copious amount of anti-psychotic medications I’m currently taking. Why am I on them? So that I don’t fucking kill myself, that’s why. Cool? Cool.
Glad you asked?
But no, of course I don’t say those bad things, I fake smile and mumble about work and the weather like everybody else does.
I’ve recently made the decision to move back to my hometown (located on the opposite side of the country to where I am currently living) next year so I need to make the most of my last months here. It’s currently winter and cold as fuck so I can blame a lot of my lack of motivation on that, but truthfully, I really am just an antisocial cunt. I prefer to stay home and get high alone than to spend time with friends. And it’s not even that my friends suck; I actually have some really great ones. I’m talking people who are fun, interesting, and intellectually stimulating. But I honestly just can’t be bothered, and I know that I have to change this.
I’ve lost so many years, in fact the majority of my 20s, to failed relationships and depression. I’ve spent too much time in bed and by myself. To some extent, I think I needed a period of downtime to work through my issues of anxiety and depression, plus I started partying ridiculously young, so I had grown weary of the whole scene by the time I was, like, 23.
Since then my main priorities have been getting stoned and avoiding social obligations as much as I could get away with while still retaining tha facade of friendships. The thing about being a perennial no-shower is that eventually people stop asking you to do stuff. And to me, that was blissful. In the words of the great Kelly Clarkson, ‘doesn’t mean I’m lonely ’cause I’m alone’. Solitude became my comfort, my armor, and somewhere along the way I melted into an agoraphobic 29 year old whose favorite activities are sleeping and watching tv. The Kid version of me would totally call the Adult me a fucking loser.
You’d think that all these years of downtime and laying low, coupled with constant full-time employment, would have resulted in me getting a nice little lump of savings behind me, or at the very least be well on top of my finances. You’d think that, but you’d be wrong. I still live well out of my means and run out of money 2 days after I’ve been paid every single week. I don’t spend frivolously; but my bills, cost of living and weed debt leave me, quite literally, flat broke. When something unexpected happens, like a wisdom tooth requiring attention or my car breaking down, I’m screwed. Just last month I had to borrow money from my 80 year old grandparents to pay my car registration. It’s a highly undignified way to exist; I’m the most broke joke I know, and the least funny.
I need to go out and go to dinners and movies and such things. I need to get fit and lose weight. Go for early morning walks and climb mountains with friends on weekends. I can’t seem do any of these things that (I assume) other twentysomething’s do while I’m under the influence of the Great Unmotivator and MoneySucker, so I need to cut way back. Start smoking a few hours before bed and that’s it. Remind myself that weed really is the reason I can’t have nice things.
I need to over-dub my life with a positive narrative. Look for the silver lining in shitty situations. Be happy and appreciative for the good things and friends I have. I’ve been one of those annoying happy people before, I can do it again! I’ll get “high on life”!