I’ve been blundering my way through this ‘life’ thing for nearly thirty years now, and I still haven’t quite figured out how to be good at it. I have, however, acquired a particular set of skills; namely, in fucking up and being a total failure. So for those of you out there who have successfully transitioned into adulthood, are perhaps bored with your smooth sailing, easy-breezy lifestyle over in Made It-ville, here’s some tips on how to foray over to the wrong side of the tracks and take up residence in FuckUp Town, all in just 10 easy steps! So put down your kale and chia juice or whatever it is that real grown-ups do these days, and prepare to be un-enlightened. You’re welcome.
1. Never pay your bills remotely near the due date. In fact, try and completely forget that bills are even a thing. This way, you’ll get stung with exorbitant ‘late fees’ and ‘charges’, which are the same thing but split into two names so they can make you pay twice. If the bank/telco/utility company is feeling particularly gluttonous, they might even slap on a ‘dishonor fee’ on top of the other two. Paying late also means you get the added bonus of phone calls, text messages, emails, letters, pigeon carriers and smoke signals hassling you fucking constantly until you pay up, and bombarding you with highly invasive questions about why you haven’t paid yet and what the fuck are you even doing with your life anyway? Any emotional wreck/anxiety sufferer/introvert will simply delight in this type of interaction.
2. In addition to the bills thing, leave everything else to the absolute last minute or later. Don’t bother with washing your clothes until there’s nothing left to wear but a faded Bali ‘Bintang’ singlet and your school uniform from eight years ago. If you need to be somewhere at a certain time, leaving the house at 5minutes to this time will always suffice (even if the destination is half an hour away).
3. Don’t bother stopping for fuel until the little light comes on, and even then you’re probably still good for another 20ks. Make sure you don’t have a jerry can filled with fuel in the car, that would take the fun out of breaking down and having to call around all your friends and relatives until someone reluctantly agrees to come save you. Obviously you don’t have roadside assistance.
4. Find an occupation that you hate, and sign yourself up to do that for at least 40hours a week. Every week. Until you die.
5. Make sure the pay is terrible so that on your two days of precious freedom you can’t actually afford to leave the house (which is actually your parents house, because you can’t afford to rent your own place and nobody else wants to live with you).
6. Enter into relationships with other emotionally unstable people. Preferably someone with the opposite instability to your own, so things get extra spicy. Being intimate with someone completely incompatible and unable to deal with your emotions is a really fun way to screw up your self-esteem.
7. Develop an expensive and wasteful habit or addiction. Or, better yet, several addictions. The possibilities nowadays are endless. You’ve got the legal stuff in the form of alcohol, cigarettes and prescription pills, not to mention all the illicit stuff out there. Experiment, see which ones fit. Then devote every spare second of your time and all of your money to obtaining more until it’s the most important thing in your life. A massive positive to this is that all your other problems become insignificant when you have a raging addiction to look after. Your health will deteriorate pretty quickly which is cool because, you know, sick days.
8. Make sure you don’t have private health care or any monetary savings so that if you do become legitimately sick or injured, you don’t have the means to deal with it. It’s also a good idea to not have any holiday or sick days saved up (you should have used them all up on drug-binge recovery days by now anyway) so if you do need to take time off work with an unexpected ailment, you won’t get paid for it. This will compound your stress at a time when you need it the least. How are you going to afford to eat this week? Will you die from this pneumonia before you can afford to go to the doctor? Who knows!
9. Only hang out with fellow fuck-ups. People who are dealing with the same shit as you will not only be on your wavelength and less likely to judge you, but they’ll also bring all of their drama into your life. Maybe they’ll steal from you to fund their habit? Maybe they’re driving you around, unlicensed, in an unregistered vehicle while doing a drug run and harboring a criminal in the boot? Fuckin’ PARTY.
10. Be terrible at responding to texts and calls and fail to show up at most social events, especially those held by ‘normies’ who have their ‘shit together’. The more you alienate the people you care about, the less likely they will be to come and pick up the pieces after your next inevitable breakdown. Good luck repairing that fractured psyche on your own!
By this stage, if you have followed at least a few of these steps correctly, you should well and truly be on your way to be being a world-class fuck-up. You should call me sometime, we can hang out.