Guide to Dating a Drunken Dickhead: Part 2 

 In part 1, I discussed a simple strategy, based on my own experiences, to deflecting a drunken boyfriend after a late night out on the piss. But what if the Drunk One happens to be such a rowdy mess, you not only can’t ignore it but are morally obliged to do something about it? 

One disgustingly hot night, in the summer of 2010, the boyfriend got disgustingly drunk. I’m talking completely fucking legless. At least 58% drunker than usual. It was a Saturday and our housemate at the time had a bunch of friends over, drinking and hanging out in the lounge room. The Drunk One was too incoherent to join the festivities by the time he got home from band practice, and with surprisigly little argument I convinced him to go to bed. I joined him a short while later and he was sprawled over the entire bed and  snoring like a motherfucker. Needless to say I had trouble dropping off.

About an hour later he awoke suddenly and stumbled out of bed. I sat up and watched him stagger over to our chest of drawers and clumsily  flop his penis out of his boxers. Realizing what was about to happen, I screeched at him to Stop! Don’t Piss! And scrambled to get out of bed and frantically guided him into the bathroom, which was thankfully quite close. I shoved him in, cursing him under my breath, and shut the bathroom door, leaving him to his own messy devices.

I was making my way back to the bedroom when I heard a loud thud. Fuck. What has the drunken dickhead done now? I reluctantly went back into the bathroom to find a sight that is now forever burnt into my memory banks. The Drunk One, lying in a naked graceless heap in the shower (he clearly hadn’t made it the 1/2 meter trek to the toilet), covered in piss, blood and vomit. He was unconcious, bleeding from the head, urine still tricking out of him, vomit oozing from the sides of his mouth. It was a fucking mess. Apparently he had starting pissing  in the shower, before slipping and hitting his head on the tiles. I don’t know if the vomiting started before or after he went down, I guess that doesn’t matter. I got down beside him, splashing water on his face and saying his name. I called out to my housemate and his friends for help. They came to the rescue, but they were also  drunk and  young and ill-equipped to deal with a situation like this. My boyfriend, you must understand, was kind of a behemoth of a man. Tall, stocky, really hairy, and heavily weighed down (literally and figuratively) by his drinking habit. So combining that with extreme intoxication, a possible head injury, and coming in and out consciousness while covered in blood and vomit, this was not an easy man to deal with.

Between the housemates friends screaming “we need to call the ambulance” and me trying to cover him up to protect what little dignity he had left, the Drunk One began to stir. “.. the fuck are you guys doing,” he grumbled, swatting us away irritably. “You’ve had an accident, man, we need to get you to the hospital!” The housemate cried. He had never been in a situation like this before and was slightly traumatized by the whole thing. His concern, however, only angered the Drunk One. “Fuck off, are you fucking stupid!” He yelled, trying to find his way onto his feet but struggling as the shower floor was still wet with puddles of his various bodily fluids. “It’s just a fucking flesh wound, I’m fine!” Logic told me I shouldn’t let him go back to sleep while he was still bleeding from the head but he was so belligerent I didn’t know what to do.

Tip 2. If you find yourself in a dilemma like this, honestly, go with whatever your instincts tell you. Always bear in mind that if you choose to enter into a relationship with someone who’s favorite activity is hitting the booze, you  will be dealing with various wounds and injuries at some point, so it’s a good idea to get a first aid certificate and have a medical kit on hand at all times. It’s kinda like having a child in that way; really to not have some sort of first-aid training is irresponsible. In my case, the Drunk One was so violently adamant that he wasn’t going to the hospital, and I figured if he was coherent enough to make that decision, surely he couldn’t be too fucked up in the head,  right? So instead I cleaned and bandaged him up and made him promise to go to the doctor in the morning.

This, as it turns out, was the wrong move. When we did finally go to the doctor they gave him over 20 stitches and reprimanded us for being so stupid. Turns out he now has severe nerve damage in that area of his scalp and will have no feeling there for the rest of his life, and also impaired vision in his left eye from the damage. Apparently it wouldn’t have been so bad if we had gone in straight away. Could have been worse though, I mean, he could have wound up brain damaged! My point is, if I could relive that night, I would have done things differently. If you ever find yourself in a dumb situation like this, I advise you to take one of two courses of action:

1: Call the ambulance as soon as the injury happens. Doesn’t matter if you or the injured person doesn’t think it’s serious enough. What are you guys, doctors? Head injury specialists? Didn’t fucking think so. Just call the damn ambulance and let it be their problem.

2. When the boyfriend comes home in such a state, simply remove yourself from the situation. Before you can bear witness to any of his bullshit, just bail and go stay at your mums or a friend’s place or something. Seriously. You’re his girlfriend, not his fucking babysitter! Have a bag packed and ready for these scenarios and your life will instantly become less stressful.

Stay tuned for more helpful hints on surviving a drunken dickhead!


3 thoughts on “Guide to Dating a Drunken Dickhead: Part 2 

  1. I’ve handled my own drunkard and so maybe I shouldn’t find this entirely amusing, but it was really well written. I’m not in any position to give advice, but oh my gosh, if I had known all the shit ahead of myself back when I was a girlfriend and not a wife…I might have chosen a different path. It is not amusing when it goes on for years.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha well I’m glad you found it relatable! I can laugh at the situation now, in hindsight, but at the time it certainly wasn’t funny. I didn’t become the wife of the drunkard but we were together for 6 years which is longer than a lot of marriages! If I could go back I would tell little me to not waste my twenties on this dickhead! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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